MENDOOOZZZAAAAAAA!
RETIRED BULLETIN ENTRIES
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|  | 20.22: Oh the Places You'll Go
NIDA: Which is not very far. Right next door, in fact. We' ve moved!
I believe our new address is officially listed as Grant Street, although we are only moving to the building next door (to the left of Characters Pub, if you're facing it from the parking lot), which itself is not on the corner of Grant St. And our Queen Street entrance (currently blocked off and quite grody still, from what I've seen) definitely states that it leads to 35 and 37 North Queen Street. I hope this doesn't confuse our mailman. He seemed quite upset about our change of address notice, which may have something to do with the fact that it was quite difficult to find us at the old address and now he has to hunt us down all over again. I'm going to have to buy some chocolate to bribe him. Not because I think he'll "lose" our mail, but because all the other mailmen who cover his route when he's out sick or on vacation do.
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| | 10.03: Blah Blah Blah
NIDA: Every so often I get the blahs. Or as Stuart Smalley would say, a "dis-ease". I have a touch of l'ennui, the symptoms of which include a raging case of frustration, an inability to concentrate on everyday duties, the feeling that every day is Wednesday, and an overwhelming desire to spend the day huddled on the couch with a blanket firmly over the head and shoulders (fetal position is optional). This is also known as being five years old. And the last time I checked, I am well over the age of five (and if I'm not, I should definitely go see the doctor because I have got some problems). So I shake my fist at you, l'ennui!
While I was on the couch yesterday, I saw a commercial for Sunsweet Prunes. This is the MOST. RIDICULOUS. THING. I have ever seen. This week. Until I read some of the testimonials. This is my favorite: "I just loooove you're sunsweet prunes.. soo delicious. I went to fat camp last year with a bad attitude and a sweet tooth. Your prunes changed my outlook on eating healthy and now i've lost 29 pounds and now have more confidence in myself all because I love your prunes. Thank you for saving my life, I just praised the lord baby jesus everyday for you and your prunes to lift me up from this life of fatness... and i could not be more thankful!". I'm not sure if that's real, but if it is, Belle, bless you and congratulations on losing the weight. But seriously, prunes? I have a somewhat thorny relationship with the prunes. When I was little, I was forced, under threat of a long lecture on the importance of regularity, to drink a small glass of prune juice every day. Have you ever had prune juice? Forget "timeouts" or sticking a kid in the corner. Just bring out a bottle of the purple stuff. So prunes would not improve my outlook on healthful eating. It would, in fact, turn me off eating in general.
But I digress. I meant to write about Sunsweet's new, individually wrapped prunes and the commercial advertising it. I couldn't find the commercial online, but it's a run-of-the-mill spot where "ordinary" people "off the street" try the product for the first time and are amazed at the juicy flavorfulness of each individually wrapped prune. First, it's a prune. A dried fruit. You should not expect it to be that juicy. There are juicy prunes out there. They're called plums. And second, do we really need to crap up the planet further with all those individual plastic wrappers? Why should I pay (if I were going to buy prunes, which I decided at the tender age of 8 would never ever happen) for fewer prunes and more packaging? I know that portion control is an issue here in the states, but who eats one prune? It's like eating one raisin. Who does that? So the commerial sucks and the product sucks. If you want to sell me on prunes, Sunsweet, you should do something like this or this.
I wish my parents had told me about prune juice to the extreme when I was little. It probably would have changed my whole outlook on life and forever wiped away my recurring case of the blahs.
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| | 11.12: Observing the Gah!
NIDA: I started a brilliant entry at home this morning over breakfast (oatmeal), which I thought I would brilliantly email to myself and finish with a brilliant flourish here at the office. But I seem to have forgotten that middle step, so you must all content yourself with this tale of bloody satanic amnesia until I return home.
Also, please read more about why the boys in blue shorts may possibly be shaking their government-regulated fists at us.
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| | 00.22: I Miss Monty Python!
NIDA: Which is funny, because I never got the dead parrot sketch until I started working retail. Actually, I've only really begun to understand proper satire very recently. But I'm glad I do, because dead parrots are hilarious. Torture, not so much. But if I weren't laughing about the former, I'd probably never stop crying about the latter.
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| | 14.54: Tids and Bits Tuesday
NIDA: I know it's not Tuesday, but what with the office move, the crapping up of the laptop and all the other craziness that crops up when you are one-fourth of the hottest young international design unit in the non-international city of Lancaster, well, I bet you know how it is. I keep losing track of the days, and I barely have enough time to surf ebay for all the delicious goodness for which I refuse to pay retail. (I have seen the mark-up for at least one store, and let me tell you, going to Myanmar to hire my own crew of 10-year-old child seamstresses would be more cost effective.) Until I actually remember to e-mail myself that brilliant blog entry I wrote about last Friday, here is some cool stuff to ogle.
(1) Z Brand. If anyone ever gets the urge to buy me clothing (grrr...flashbacks of the worst childhood holiday season ever)...
(2) The Argus A. Mmmm....so pretty...apparently they phased out that design partly because the Art Deco style looked dated after World War II. This was probably the same time that they "modernized" downtown Lancaster. If you ever need a good cry (and you should cry at least once a month to bolster the immune system, from what I've been told by a friend of a friend of a med student who heard it from this guy), visit the Lancaster County Historical Society and ask to see pictures of the city way back when. Specifically, the building that now houses TMB on Queen Street.
(3) The Olivetti Lettera 22. Those old manual typewriters require a great deal of finger strength. Sometimes my left pinkyisn't up to the task nd ll my person l letters look re lly weird like this.
I like to think that the Argus and Olivetti designs are Pretty (please request our manifesto for further thoughts on Pretty and why it needs revolution), i.e. timeless. That they provoke that "oooohhh...pretty" response by nearly everyone, regardless of current fads or trends. But I'm not sure. Maybe things will cycle around again 40 years from now and flat concrete blocks will be viewed as sexy.
Anyway, that's what I am currently jonesing for. In other news, everyone is welcome to swing by and check out our new digs. And we are still looking for interns, part-time designers and/or freelancers, so APPLY NOW!
That is all. End transmission.
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| | 15.28: Get Your Industrial Revolution On
NIDA: This right here went around the blogosphere a few weeks/months ago. I would love to make one myself but my metalworking skills aren't so hot. You can find old round typewriting keys on eBay, so there's a couple steps taken care of. I might very possibly rent out my right ovary to anyone who makes me one of those. But only the ovary - the fallopian will cost you extra. This is also very cool. Molekinerie does something similar, and I've been meaning to do something like this for all my far-flung, long-lost friends. If only I could remember their names...
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| | 11.42: Observing the Goodness
NIDA: The l'ennui has lost its grip on me on this bright, sunny morn, full as it is of birds singing, flowers breaking free of the frost to bloom ever so fragrant, and my speeding down the entrance ramp of the information superhighway to ride once more the giant sandtubes of the interwebs.
Which is to say, my laptop is fixed. I obviously do not handle adversity well, or at the very least, the little bits of adversity that nip at unprotected swatches of skin like so many malarial mosquitoes. I must remember that there are starving children in Africa who do not have laptops to go kablooie on them and that they would be very grateful to have laptops to eat. [I was thinking about making an Angelina Jolie joke about not yet adopting those kids, but I didn't. I took the high road.]
So I'd like a side of Oswald with my Montecristo, please. Here are the people, places, and things we're showing love to this week:
Warranties. Especially the kind that give you a free hard drive after your original one crashes and burns.
The Allen Wrench.
The sawdust has settled and we've fought our way out of the cardboard packaging jungle that threatened to consume us all. We went Swedish to furnish our new space, so if you ever need an Allen Wrench, you know who to come to. I am a little conflicted about IKEA in general, to be honest. Their prefab, mass-produced particle board furniture is just soulless. I likes my things to have a wee dram of character, ya know? Plus, everything seems to be held together with inch-long, quarter-inch-thick wooden dowels and one lone screw. So please, try not to lean on anything when you drop by for a visit. Then again, the Swedes are singlehandedly filling in the gaps where government and the rest of society are forsaking our young and our poor, what with their free day care and inexpensive food (mmm...lingonberrylicious) and the multitude of beds on which to procreate. So I like the company's feel-good philosophy and proletarian attitude. And it's not that I'm a snob or necessarily have expensive tastes, but I like things that have character and history and take a little bit of extra legwork, patience, and sweat to find or gather.
At some point, I am going to sit down and put together my thoughts on progress versus "perfection", character, the Hotel Brunswick, and a 60 Minutes Dateline Primetime 20/20 special I once saw years ago on 2 little girls with big ears (I swear it all ties in) in an essay that's actually structured and coherent and logical. Which, for some reason, blogs do not generally lend themselves to.
N.B. This entry was started on Good Friday, 06 April.
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| | 12.02: Filed Under: Falling Apart
NIDA: It's now a race between my noisy knees and my failing hearing as to what craps out first. I can barely hear the 15.8 kHz tone for the under-30 crowd. And here I always thought I was a late bloomer. Stupid precocious ears.
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| | 09.40: On Being Nida, Part Deux of a 535-Part Series
NIDA: If I wrote as much as I said I would or think I should, I might actually be a decent writer (jk to all the paying clients out there and people willing to become paying clients). Or as good on paper as I am in my head. And someday when I don't hate people (I kid, I kid, haha. LOL. Ha.), I might actually have enough space in my head to sit down and write and write and write and one of those things that I would write (besides my review on Idiocracy slash the dooming of mankind and my thoughts on progress), would be a story each month based on the keyword searches that lead people to this website and weblog.
Some of them are what we in the industry call "doozies". And for anybody who has trouble color coordinating their outfits, orange pants can go with anything, depending on the effect you're looking to produce. For instance, if you want to draw attention away from the orange pants (although that begs the question of why you're wearing orange pants in the first place), I would suggest something in the way of absolutely thin air. Because if you're topless (I'm assuming you're a girl, although hey, guys get to rock the orange too), no one much is going to notice or say much about your pants. But if that's too daring for you, try a fishnet top. In grays, browns, or blues.
And if you want to know if Nida rocks ma socks, this particular Nida does not. Although frankly, I wouldn't mind looking like that chick, and I perfectly understand where she's coming from with her description and illustration. Maybe it just comes with the name.
But please, don't call me "Needsters".
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| | 09.27: Who's Remembering Me Now?
NIDA: Seriously, who's plugging my e-mail addy into some social networking site now? I received a message from who-remembers-me.com the other day, which cryptically promised that someone was remembering me.If that's for real, I appreciate the love but seriously, if you're remembering me, you should remember how paranoid I am about my privacy. Which I know is a bit hypocritical what with the blog and telling the world about my fears of falling apart and utter love for green Fanta and what with the whatnot, but still. I am dubious and ambivalent about all this random social networking over the intertubal cyberwebbing. I am fully willing to admit that "dubious and ambivalent" may just be a default setting for me, but can we really trust a website with that many hyphens in its URL? I think not.
And if you know me well enough to know my e-mail address and want to get in touch, the easiest way would probably be just to e-mail me. Or send a letter. I am a big fan of keeping the boys in blue shorts busy. (I realize that there are women postal workers out there as well, but poetry, people, poetry! Being "accurate" or "politically correct" or "less wordy" does not make something well-written.)
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| | 10.24: Who's Turning Me Green Now?
NIDA: I don't know if any of you out there watch the Bachelor (and since I refuse to believe that anyone besides my dad reads this website, although he does seem to be spending an awful lot of time in Nova Scotia,* China, and Pittsburgh, I'm going to guess, Dad, that you don't). I was always an "Average Joe" fan myself. I miss that show and the look of inadequately masked shock and dread that the resident beauty would make when first presented with her dating options. Beauty and the Geek shares similar premises, but it just isn't the same when the beauty doesn't have to confront the apparently AWFUL possibility that she might have to hook up with an "average" looking guy. Invariably (and by invariably, I mean "twice"), the beauty chose the hunk over the average joe, even when said joe was an actual millionaire with a private jet and a penthouse apartment. Let that be a lesson in genetics to us all.
But going back to The Bachelor. This season, he's an officer/doctor/triathlete. I decided very early in life that I was not cut out to be a doctor, and after watching a few episodes of House, I think I've made the right choice. And frankly, I've never been much of a swimmer or biker or runner. That part doesn't get me riled up at all, particularly if doing all that all at once makes you muscle-y in a weird way, as this Bachelor seems to be. He seems to be a younger, shorter (?), less hairy Hasselhoff. Here is where I turn green: The kid grew up in Lancaster County and graduated from a Lancaster County public high school. I grew up in Lancaster County and graduated from a Lancaster County public high school. He went to Duke. I went to Duke. He is the latest star of a reality TV show promoting socially-sanctioned promiscuity and the thorny agenda of the gardening industry. I am...sitting at my laptop writing 50 words of copy to anyone willing to rent out my brain for a fair price (currently negotiable). But that's a choice I made, and I'm fairly happy about it.
But the grass is always greener, right? And for a split second, I was almost a little completely jealous. Until I remembered that I have way more respect for myself and the people I care about or possibly someday might want to get to know to care about, then to put either of us in a manipulated, slickly edited situation like ABC reality television.
And dude, what kind of loser needs to go on a TV show to get a date?
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| | 10.27: In Return for Grace
NIDA: When I wrote my first piece of semi-major crappy fiction, I showed it around to all my friends. They proceeded to tell me it was good and then every single one of those knuckleheads paused. And when I pressed the issue, they repeated, "It's good...I just thought it would be funnier." This is the problem with being as hi-larious as I am. I will let you, the intertubal cyberwebbing tribes, in on a little secret: although I am hi-larious, I am many other things and sometimes all those other things leak out around the edges and into my writing.
And this week, capped off by the birthday of this guy, seems to be full of all the other things leaking out around the edges and into the world. This week the world has shuddered, and we've all felt it. You know, when everything is said and done, I'm not quite sure if I'd like my time here this go-round to be remembered as "It was pretty good...I just thought it would be funnier." But I don't think I'd mind, because without all the tragedy and the ugliness that life throws at us, we might never appreciate the beautiful people that the world gives us.
It's a beautiful day.
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| | 13.56: Good News, Everybody!
NIDA: The genius that brought the world Oswald Montecristo and Reginald von Hoogstraaten has a slim chance of survival.
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| | 10.52: Sponsored by Viewers Like You
NIDA: I caught the tail end of "Austin City Limits" last night on the Public Broadcasting and immediately afterwards was subjected to a block of advertisements. Which is totally cool when you're watching "New Scandinavian Cooking" and every single Scandinavian tourist agency gives a quick shoutout (who doesn't love Visit Norway?). But when one of those sponsors is Budweiser, I get a little confused. If I wanted to watch the usual litany of crap commercial advertising, I wouldn't be watching PBS. Although to be perfectly honest, Budweiser does put out a good commercial every now and then. Plus, their new crown thing has managed to imprint itself on some part of my consciousness, so I reckon that bit of re-branding has been effective.
I also reckon that the Public Broadcasters are fairly hard up for the green, or at least my local member station is. They seem to run a pledge drive every other week, and it's cutting into my weekly Monty Python and Red Dwarf. Not to mention the Jim Lehrer. And I needs my Jim Lehrer. While I don't necessarily agree with some of the corporate sponsorship that PBS receives, I'm not sure I have much of a right to complain. Especially since I've been suckling off that sweet sweet non-profit public broadcast programming teat since I was a wee bairn. We're all trying to scratch by and keep the lights on, right? I just find it odd to see the Bud on the same channel with Big Bird. Although I can imagine Oscar tossing back a few. He seems like a Bud Lite kinda monster.
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| | 11.32: The Tids v. The Bits
NIDA: It's Tuesday! And you know what that means...my linking to the most interesting crap I can find across the intertubal cyberwebbing in lieu of actually writing my usual incoherent bit of non sequitur redundant rambling whimsy because I crapped up my sleep schedule over the weekend and am now exhausted from getting up early-ish on Monday. But I promise that this weblog entry will be just as rambly and redundant as any other. It's the Nida Guarantee. [Incidentally, my spellchecker is telling me that neither "intertubal" nor "cyberwebbing" are recognized words. But it's okay, because I know a grad student and they're allowed to make up their own words, and I'm sure he'd cover for me on this one.]
Tid Number One. "Just do it" got robbed in this 2005 survey of taglines done by this guy.
Bit Number One. Is there some kind of qualifying process to be declared a guru? There should be some exam or test. Like beatification. Maybe only the guru of gurus should be allowed to declare other people as gurus. And you'd know that he was the head guru because he'd wear a big funny hat and be elected by all the cardinal gurus with some kind of smoke signal. (Apologies to all my Catholic friends. It must be the vegan date/nut bar talking...Mmmmm...vegan nuts smeared with vegan dates....If I were some sort of Western monotheistic religious, I would totally kick it old school with the Virgin Mother.) Apparently all you have to do nowadays is self-proclaim yourself to be something impressive to impress other people. Although I did once meet the Foosball Champion of the World while working in a video store in Durham. I knew she was the Foosball Champion of the World because that was the note that popped up on her account info on the computer. The first time I checked her videos out, I must have had skeptical awe or awed skepticism splashed across my face, because she said, "Foosball Champion of the World?" And I said, "Yeah?" And she said, "Yeah." And I said, "Cool." It was an independent chain of video stores, so we used to be able to get away with a lot. On this other guy's account, the note said, "Is he wearing a red shirt?". And he was. Good times.
Bit Number Two. I heart Wieden+Kennedy, the geniuses behind "Just do it" and the instigators of the "+" movement. Plus, they have Wieden+Kennedy 12 which is a great idea that I thought I was the only one to think of. BUT MORE ON THAT TO COME. DESIGN STUDENTS OF THE GREATER SOUTHCENTRAL PA REGION, BE COGNIZANT OF THIS FASCINATING TEASER! CHECK BACK FOR MORE INFO! Or, just check out our recruitment page and send us your goods until I whip out the details.
Tid Number Two. A great number of trucks rumble down Queen Street. A great number of diesel trucks, I might add. Also, a great number of drivers are not aware of the lane shifts or traffic patterns on the first block of Queen, and the people they are cutting off tend to mainly be the people who like to lay on their horns. I know this because of our great windows that now open but also tend to open up on a world of road rage. Also, there are many angry people walking about on the sidewalks of Lancaster, and they like to get into profanity-laced tirades right below us. It makes for interesting entertainment during client meetings.
Tid Number Three. Seriously, this bar I am eating, what with the dates and the nuts and the lack of animal, is awesome. Oswald Montecristo awesome. If you are ever in Lancaster on a Market day (Tuesday, Friday, or Saturday), check out The Goodie Shoppe stand. Fabulous goodies, all in one convenient shoppe.
Well, I've had my fill of tids and bits for today. End transmission.
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| | 17.43: Still Lieu-ing
NIDA: My eyes are burning from staring at this tiny monitor all day, my pants are getting tight from sitting in front of this tiny monitor all day, and all the coffee vendors within walking distance know that I take mine black. Welcome to the exciting world of design and advertising! I can see your interest is piqued. Allow me to pique it even further: GO:NG. That's right. GO:NG What could it mean? What could it be? Does it have anything to do with my new title of [cue dramatic cymbal crash] Daisy Wheel Programming Sub-Chief? If you think you know what GO:NG is or have any thoughts as to what it could possibly be, holla atcha design unit. Here's a clue - it may or may not involve tightrope walking and gophers.
And for those who read this for all the juicy entertainment, allow me to share the brilliant dialogue I fell asleep to last night.
Bender: Oh, I see. A bunch of stuff gets bent so it must be the robot designed for bending.
Leela: Hmm, Bender must have a pent up need to bend that's not being satisfied by his bend-free lifestyle.
Professor: Then he can't stay here. He's a menace to every straight person in the company. [to Bender] Go satisfy your bend lust and don't you come back to work until you do!
Haha. Bend Lust. Good times.
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| | 18.01: "Is That Pen Available in Other Animal Skins?"
NIDA: We just got back from a schwag expo. Some of the schwag was a bit weak, and speaking for the world, no one likes weak schwag. Surprisingly, a lot of schwag involves handcranking and flashlights. The LED bulb seems to have revolutionized the promotional product industry.
Speaking of something totally different but just as Oswald Montecristo, Nick and I caught an episode of American Gladiators last night. Awesome. Bert Awesome. One of the contenders was a short dude with the second best mullet on the show. The other mullet (one of the hosts, maybe?) beat him out by a hair (haha) because he had way more hang time. But both AWESOME. I can't believe they ever cancelled that show.
I wonder what Nitro is up to now. Nitro was my boy.
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| | 16.59: By the Hammer of Thor!
NIDA: Blurg. April was a big blurg. Blurgity Blurgity Blurg de Blurg. Yup. Normally I love April. It's full of showers, which clear the air and clean my car and is good for clearing out the park so that I can be alone with my Nida-ness. This April brought us the return of 30 Rock, which helped improve the overall blurgness of this blurg. But seriously. Blurg.
On an entirely different blurg, let me tell you the thing. Here's the thing: If you're reading this, you've somehow managed to find our site. So you (a) already know about us, either through (1) having worked with us or hired us previously or (2) are a friend or one of Nick's and my 42 first cousins (except the last one, number 42 - I don't know if he's even potty-trained yet) or (3) are a fellow creative, or (b) are looking to color coordinate your outfits, or (c) want to get to know the J-Ho a bit better, or (d) have heard of the greatness that is GO, Lancaster's premier international design unit and want to learn more because you are (1) looking for someone to do work for you or (2) have heard of the greatness that is GO, Lancaster's premier international design unit and will go to your grave unfulfilled having lived a life without meaning if you don't work for us or (3) have found our name in the Chamber of Commerce business directory and have taken the extra step of looking us up on the interwebs before calling to ask for a job. And for everyone a-c, including subsections 1, 2, and 3, as well as d(1), this is really for the d(2)'s and d(3)'s. So everybody else, please visit these girls if you're looking for witty, intelligent writing. They're brilliant.
And for all my d(2)'s, hi. How's it going? Are you good? Do you like taking the road less traveled? Are you cool enough to hang? Do you value learning? If so, check out our recruitment page. If you're still a student, we will have more information about our legendary 13-week internship program coming soon. Check it out. If you've recently graduated, e-mail us your portfolio and resume and we'll schedule a time to sit down and talk.
And for the d(3)'s: Hi. I appreciate your making the attempt to get to know us before cold-calling. I'm not a big fan of people who want to work for me because they found my name in the phone book. You should send us your goods too. But only if you're not blurg. We do not traffick in the blurg around here.
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